In the quest for successful children, parenting researcher and author Jennifer Breheny Wallace has a refreshing perspective: raise them to be “healthy strivers.” These resilient, self-motivated individuals don’t tether their self-worth to their accomplishments. While today’s teenagers often find themselves entangled in a hyper-competitive environment, this approach can help alleviate the anxiety and depression plaguing many.

Wallace contends that the mounting pressure to succeed in an atmosphere she terms “toxic achievement culture” significantly contributes to the growing teen mental health crisis. She explores these issues in her recently published book, “Never Enough: When Achievement Pressure Becomes Toxic — and What We Can Do About It.”

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Drawing on interviews with numerous psychologists and a survey of 6,500 parents across the U.S., conducted in collaboration with a researcher from the Harvard Graduate School of Education (Wallace herself holds an undergraduate degree from Harvard University), Wallace’s work sheds light on parental anxiety surrounding their children’s success and its impact on their mental well-being.

The ‘Toxic Achievement Culture’ Dilemma

In today’s society, children are often thrust into a relentless cycle of competitiveness, whether it’s in school, sports, or extracurricular activities. Wallace argues that this toxic achievement culture is detrimental to young minds. The parents’ anxiety about their children’s success in this fiercely competitive world fuels a concerning teen mental health crisis.

Sending the Wrong Message

Constantly emphasizing outcomes like grades and sports trophies inadvertently sends a message to children: their worth is determined solely by their achievements. Wallace believes there’s a better way to foster resilience and well-being in children, and she calls it raising “healthy strivers.” Here’s how.

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The Power of ‘Mattering’

After speaking to thousands of parents and their children, Wallace identified a critical psychological trait in healthy achievers: “mattering.” This concept revolves around feeling valued by family, friends, and the community for one’s core identity and the belief that one contributes meaningful value to family, school, and community. In essence, it’s about feeling significant at a fundamental level.

According to Wallace, teenagers with healthy self-esteem often feel they genuinely matter to their parents. This sense of mattering protects against stress, anxiety, and depression, making them more resilient in the face of setbacks and failures.

Actions Speak Louder Than Praise

Research by Harvard child psychologist Richard Weissbourd reveals that children gain more confidence from being understood and known by their parents than receiving direct praise. As a parent, paying attention to the topics you often discuss with your children is crucial. Shift the focus away from grades and emphasize hobbies and interests that genuinely bring them joy.

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Beyond Words

Sometimes, parents may frequently affirm their children’s importance, yet external validation remains scarce. To bridge this gap, parents can encourage their children to engage in community service, not as a resume booster but as an opportunity to build confidence by using their skills and interests to help others.

Wallace emphasizes the importance of recognizing children’s strengths, guiding them to leverage those strengths to overcome weaknesses, and showing them how to make a positive impact at home, school, and within the broader community.

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